Changing Churches
Photo by Robin Spielmann on Unsplash
I continued to attend the same church we'd gone to together for a while. It was something I knew I needed for consistency. Being at that church was why we relocated back to Tulsa from Florida in 2010. We moved because my late husband had received a ministry opportunity there. We built relationships there, and people looked out for me from that community. This was something that hadn't changed, and it helped me to feel stable - for a time.
I continued attending that church for almost a year after Rich passed. I often sat with the same people in the back of the sanctuary and sometimes sat alone off to the side. This was my way of being present and having an easy exit if I became overwhelmed with emotion and needed to discreetly leave. I didn't attend every service but did most Sundays.
In the beginning, the songs that used to encourage me now hurt my soul to hear. These songs of God's faithfulness and how He keeps His promises had a sharp sting during those early months. It took a little while to be open to these songs again. I knew I had to be patient with myself. I knew this healing would take time.
At one point, I thought it may help to get involved again and volunteer. So I came to help with the food pantry. It's something Rich loved doing. He was so good at it and had a unique way of caring for those who went through the line. Rich acted as the MC while people waited. He gave them the most beautiful laughter, joy, and smiles in their hard places. He thrived in environments like that and was on a mission to uplift the people there with silliness, jokes, and joy. This ministry was something we shared. After some time, I thought maybe I could continue serving the people in the food pantry.
During my first time back, as I was standing in the line giving certain grocery items to people, I had to use all my strength to hold back the tears. All I could think about was how these people didn't realize what they were missing. It all felt so unjust and wrong. It was an entirely different atmosphere without Rich there. He brought so much fun, delight, and laughter to everyone. On that day, I was there without him. It felt terribly dry and empty. I missed his energy in the room. Mostly, I missed him being there with me. His essence. His spirit and soul.
I politely exited at the end of the evening and retreated to my safe place to cry, my car. After this, I thought maybe it was just because it was the first time without him that made it so hard. I then gave myself a couple of weeks to take a breather and attempted it again. The same thing happened in my mind and heart. I just couldn't do it any longer.
It was time for me to make a change. I realized staying here was keeping me down in my grief and sadness. I needed to be somewhere new, where no one knew me, where I didn't feel obligated to explain how I was doing. I could just be another person like everyone else. I also knew I needed to be challenged to grow, and this place was not where I could grow.
I decided to make the change. There was a local area pastor I'd heard speak at a church we'd gone to at a different season of our lives, and I was interested in hearing more from that ministry. I'd been watching these sermons online for a while after Rich passed. His messages were direct, poignant, sincere, and transparent. He spoke about the Bible in ways I hadn't heard from the pulpit. After listening for a while, I realized this was where I could grow.
This was a choice I made on my own without Rich. It required bravery. I began attending that church in the summer of 2019. I started attending on Sundays regularly, joined a small group, signed up to be a part of the prayer ministry for those who had lost loved ones, and found my way to be involved. I found a great small group for women only (which was needed as an emotionally safe place). I made some great relationships that I needed at that time.
About eight months after I joined, the Corona Virus changed our world, and we had to continue our services online. A couple years later now, I am so grateful I'd made that change. It helped me grow and heal a great deal. For me, this was good. And I feel it was the leading of the Holy Spirit for what I needed. I'm grateful for His leadership and can now sing songs of God's faithfulness with all of my heart.
Here's a journal entry from the time when I was still at that main church we'd been going to together:
My Hurt: Oh, the pain of losing Rich and shame that shrouds how it happened makes me want to retreat and hide.
Truth: God has freed me from all shame. He has designed me to not only live in the light but to be filled with the bright light of the Holy Spirit in me.
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"Our help is from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."
Psalms 124:8 NLT
"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in the land of deep darkness, a light will shine". - Isaiah 9:2
"Oh Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord lights up my darkness." - 2 Samuel 22:29
"Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light." - Matthew 6:22
Faithful God, I must look at You first. Teach me about your goodness and sovereignty. Teach me to see the big picture and not just the pebbles of my unanswered questions. Lord, I'm willing to try. Amen.