Confusion: This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen
Confused Thought: How is this real? This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Truth: God sees me and knows my pain. He is with me through this and every day for the rest of my earthly life.
I trust you, God. I put my hope in you.
Photo by Taylor Deas-Melesh on Unsplash
One of the most consistent feelings I experienced early in my grief was the feeling of confusion. What used to be up felt like it was down, and vice versa. My world had turned upside down, and everything I thought I knew and could be confident in had been demolished. Walking through my husband's death was one of the most paramount, indescribably painful experiences I could never accurately describe in words.
For the next several weeks, I will write a series about how I experienced confusion in my grief.
Here are a few definitions for confusion, and the ones in bold are the ones I felt the most:
Confusion:
A lack of clarity or understanding; the state of being bewildered or uncertain.
Disorder; chaos; a situation in which things are jumbled or disorganized.
The feeling of being mixed up or perplexed, often due to conflicting information or emotions.
Uncertainty or doubt about a particular matter or situation.
A state of disorientation or mental disturbance, usually caused by inconsistent or contradictory factors.
Confusion can refer to a state of mind and circumstances characterized by a lack of clarity, order, or understanding.
For word exploration, I have looked up the Hebrew word and its meaning for confusion. The Hebrew root word for "confusion" is "בָּלַל" (balal), which means "to mix" or "to confuse." This root word is often used in the context of mixing things together. See the Strong's Concordance for more insight.
"Mixing things together". That's what I felt. How could one thing: God is good, holy, and a healer be mixed up with the circumstance that resulted in my husband's death? Those two don't belong together in my life. However, that is what I experienced. My events didn't match what I knew to be true. This often occurs in people, resulting in a crisis of faith. Meaning, "Wait a minute, what do I believe, and is it true?". The remarkable thing about this is that none of it surprises God. He is with me as I go through my crisis of faith. He's walking alongside and guiding me while I question Him, accuse Him, and feel hurt and anger toward Him.
Who am I to say whether something was or wasn't supposed to happen? I'm not God. I'm a child of God. He is my Father and Creator. However, as much as I am in the family of God, I am not nor ever will be God. In this life, it's easy to think that I know how things are supposed to go. For instance, good things happen to good and kind people. Bad things happen to bad and evil people. That outcome makes sense to me. However, that is not what life experience shows for many of us.
God is kind and patient while we walk through these tensions. In today's topic, my feelings contradicted what I knew to be how things should go. I reconciled that I (still) don't know everything. And with that, I cannot say precisely what is or is not supposed to happen. Also, I believe all we experienced together is not God's perfect and ideal plan for us. He felt our sadness and pain. He was with us in it. I know this for two reasons. I saw how God comforted and was with my husband in his battle. And for me personally, because I would not have survived this pain without God's intervention, support, and keeping me breathing.
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"Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." - Matthew 28:20 TPT
"For God is the God of harmony, not confusion, as is the pattern in all the churches of God's holy believers." - 1 Corinthians 14:33 TPT
"Then the Lord said to Job, "Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? You are God's critic, but do you have the answers?" Then Job replied to the Lord, "I am nothing—how could I ever find the answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say." 'Job 40:1-5
"I, the Lord, search and examine the mind, I test the heart, to give each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds." - Jeremiah 17:10 AMP.