Searching For You

I keep searching for you. I want to connect with you, to talk to you, to hold you to be in your company.

But I can’t.

You’re in another dimension, another place where I can’t reach you. You’re alive, but not in this place where I live. You’re in heaven. You are living life the way we all were originally designed to live. Completely whole and free. But I’m not there yet and probably won’t be for probably another five decades.

Now this longing I have for connection is starving. I appreciate and soak up the connections I have with so many people who are still here and who care for me deeply. But it’s not the same. No one is Richie Rich Duran. No one is you, my husband, my first love. No one.

All these years, thriving with you and then fighting for life with you have come to a sudden stop. My mind used to be filled with so many prayers, words of life and encouragement for you, so much concern and love for your health and well-being. And now…I’m left with such a vacancy in my mind and heart and I don’t know how to fill it the right way yet. It’s almost like trying to fill a vacuum that has a large leak in it.

Today marks 8 weeks. I love you and I miss you very much.