Seeking to Understand
Seeking to understand can sometimes lead me down an obsessive path with unsatisfying answers. Most of which are; I’ll never understand.
Photo by Andrik Langfield
It is challenging to contend with the unexplainable and still trust there is some good. There could be hope. This in-between place is where many of us live. It’s a stressful place wrought with pain and sadness. Sigh. And it’s never enough because it cannot change our circumstances.
At some point (sometimes, usually several moments in my day), I have to choose:
Will I continue down this obsessive painful path of thought?
Will I recognize this horrible thing happened, and I can acknowledge there still is good available in my day today?
This choice to see good despite my loss keeps me from being swallowed up in the very real and valid pains in my life. It gives me the “leg-up” to breathe a little better, even with a smile.
For me, accepting the fact I cannot time travel and change circumstances I’ve experienced has helped me come to terms with the value of being more present in each day right now.
One particular thought which keeps me anchored in the moment no matter what I experience is a specific scripture passage.
“I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.”
Psalms 139:7-12 NLT
This scripture has helped me so much throughout my life to remember and know, no matter what I face and where I find myself, God is with me. He will lead me into and through anything that comes my way and will stay with me in it. This doesn't explain the hard pains; it doesn't even make the pain less or go away. This, for me, serves as a spiritual and emotional comfort blanket during harsh conditions. God gives me the courage to continue taking steps forward in this passage.
I choose to move forward. Yes, the sadness is there. Yes, the pain is there. No, I do not have answers. Still, day by day, I am practicing choosing to see not only the good in my days but also choosing to recognize God is with me.
Listen, this is not an easy thing. I have heart-wrenching moments and days when I cannot see any possibility of joy, hope, or peace. The thing is, when I know God is with me in those deepest darkest moments, I know I won't get stuck there. He is my way out of the vortex of pain because He’s there with me in it.