Confusion and Anger
Confused Thought: I vehemently disagree with this happening. I feel anger.
Truth: I recognize that this is my current reality and have peace that God is still real and cares for me and Rich. God knows what's best.
Photo by Max LaRochelle on Unsplash
I didn't allow myself to feel anger for much of my life. I would move it to the side and rationalize it away. I didn't like how out of control I'd feel in my body when I experienced anger. Then came grief. Losing my husband was so viscerally painful that I didn't possess the strength to resist the anger I felt. Feelings can rage strong in grief. They can take over and become a dominant mode for directing thoughts.
In my confusion about how this happened, that it happened, I wrestled. I felt so much anger and disagreement about this new reality. It was a reality I didn't want, and still, it was my reality. I had a choice to make. Was I going to continue living in disagreement about what was and then pretend I could time travel and go back into the past? Or was I going to recognize it was my reality? Recognition had to come first; acceptance came much later.
I knew I could bring all that emotion and pain to God. He was my safe place for feeling my overwhelming anger. I learned in this that it's okay for me to feel and express anger. I didn't need to push it away or aside anymore. It was not only healthy for me to do this, it was necessary.
Despite my painful experience, I chose to believe in God. To believe that He is real. To remember all the times I've heard Him whisper to my heart and lead my steps in life. I remember moments when I witnessed God loving on Rich. I saw God's goodness and care for Rich during our marriage and the struggles. They were precious, beautiful moments. I remembered God's peace and comfort in the most challenging times. After losing Rich, I chose to fall into the safety of God's arms. I knew there was a peace that could only come from a higher-than-this-world God over everything. He was there.
In all of this living with grief, I'm learning more and more how much of what we do and how we handle things starts with the choices we make in our hearts and minds. It's of paramount importance how we frame our thinking. This is where the Spirit of God, His Holy Scripture, and a Holy community in your life make all the difference. Anchor yourself in Him, and you can walk supernaturally through the most unthinkable seasons in your life. I am a living testament to this.
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"...live content with what you have, for you always have God's presence. For hasn't he promised you, ‘I will never leave you alone, never! And I will not loosen my grip on your life!’”
"But everyone my Father has given to me, they will come. And all who come to me, I will embrace and will never turn them away."
"So then, prepare your hearts and minds for action! Stay alert and fix your hope firmly on the marvelous grace that is coming to you. For when Jesus Christ is unveiled, a greater measure of grace will be released to you."