Grief & Life
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
Sitting at my lovely granite countertop in a beautiful apartment I could only dream of living in, I pause and look up at a photo of Rich when we were about to start our lives together. Our wedding day. We were so in love and excited about all life would bring, knowing we could handle whatever came our way. With God and our love, nothing was impossible. A twinge of pain brushes over my heart with the thought, "I miss you so much." We faced significant difficulties in our life together, and boy, did we handle them to the best of our ability.
We never saw this coming.
Even on his last day here, he scoffed at the doctor, telling him he needed to make significant changes in his life or he may not live another year. Little did we know it was worse than that. By 7:33 PM that evening, he was gone.
Here I am, several years later, living in a place he would not have wanted to live with me. It's the type of place I've always wanted to live. Then, right in that thought, there's the sting of grief and pain.
I feel so grateful for so much I'm experiencing in life, and at the same time, it wouldn't exist with him still being alive. This is my paradox. I cannot change what has happened. I cannot bring him back and choose to live life differently now. All I have is right now and the option to live my life.
Grief and life go together. They're companions, friends even. They are opposites and yet a perfect match. This is my experience of losing my most beloved one and continuing to live life.
At first, Grief was more pronounced. Grief complained. A lot. Life and Joy were there then, though they remained more in the background. Every once and a while, they'd come to the foreground and share their thoughts, then Grief would butt its way in and have so much to say. Now, I hear much more from Life and Joy. Grief will have its say when the moment is right. It has a way of eliciting reverence that requires a pause for reflection. I'm grateful.