My Grief Letter

I've learned in several different grief support groups and counseling, writing a grief letter to people in your life can help with the process of walking in this different life with grief. It helps to communicate the ups and downs of grief and serves as another way of connecting to my support. It's been just over one year since I've lost my husband of 11, almost 12 years and I feel it's time for me to write and share my grief letter.

Dear Everybody,

I've lost my dearly beloved husband. Man of my dreams. Love of my life. We've walked through many struggles but more than that, we've lived a beautiful love together for which I'm forever grateful.

The days ahead are unknown. Uncharted and dark. I don't know how I will handle missing my honey. I don't know what I may or may not do, but know that I am so very grateful for your love and prayers. Even though you may not know how to interact with me during this time know that I hear you, even in the quiet. It's not easy to know what to say in these painful moments. For you or for me. It's not easy for me to tell you what I need when you ask. All I can tell you is I'm fiercely hurting but I will make it through each day. Somehow.

Please be gracious with me as I may start acting a little differently than you've seen me act before. I may at times become extremely busy trying to fill every moment of my day to avoid hurting and not respond to your calls or texts. I may at times be lost in the heaviness and just wanting to catch my breath to sit down for a few moments then find myself sitting for an entire day and not respond to your calls or texts. There's no rhythm to grief and pain like this. I may have spurts of activity with you, talking, texting and calling you a lot and then may disappear for a while. Please know, it's a part of this pain and I'm ok. I promise to reach out when I need it even a little bit. And thank you for looking out for me, loving me and my husband and honoring us during this horribly unfortunate time in life.

Also, I have a short rant to share. I feel grief is far too a disconnected, non-personal word which is basically me trying to say; this horrible pain I'm in missing my Rich Duran, the love of my life, this vacuum in my heart, soul, mind, and body that can never be filled again, this breaking of the fault lines deep within me, where I'll never be the same, this place where I feel like my brain is broken because I just cannot compute the current painful fact that my husband is no longer here with me on the earth...all of this...is what I mean when I say "grief".

I will not be swallowed up in this real pain. Rich always championed me in this life and encouraged me to take care of myself, and love others the way I'm built to love. He has such incredible confidence in me, I couldn't find within myself. He spoke life to me and built me up like the champion he is. I will speak about my honey in both past and present. Don't be alarmed by this. I'm not in denial. It's because I still feel and know he's with me, he will always be a part of me, and best of all, I will see him again one day. I'm excited about that day when it comes and sometimes think about it a lot. But I know that day will be a ways away for me. As much as I wish I could be with him today, I know there are things for me to do here still. And I will do them.

To all of you who are praying for me and our family, thank you. We are soaking up all those prayers and love-filled thoughts. To all of you who want to hug me and comfort me, thank you. Thank you for the times you have, and did. Thank you for the times you wanted to and weren't sure. Thank you for the times you thought of it and sent me hugs in your heart and thoughts. To those who've been helping and comforting me in brief spurts, thank you. To the ones I've not talked with since he passed away, I appreciate you and am grateful for you in my life.

This is not a thing I'll move on from. Learning how to live with grace missing my Honey Bunny for the remainder of my earthly life will be the greatest challenge I face. But I am not alone. I have each one of you to help, support, pray, encourage, and call me out when I'm doing something ridiculous. I also have the help of my God and Father. He reaches out to me through each one of you and is with me in the darkest of places when I'm by myself. I am not alone. And I'm grateful. Thank you on Rich's behalf for doing the best you know to do in your hearts to walk with me in this different life.

Sincerely,