Pride: How Dare You, God!?
Prideful Thought:: How dare God do this to me! How could He say that nothing is too hard for Him and still let Richie die!!
Truth:: This was not done to me. This is about each one of our own individual relationships with the Father. He has only the best for us; our life here is temporary.
Oh, man! This feeling I had was so satisfying in that moment of my pain. I felt completely justified in my questioning God and His authority.
I'm so grateful He showed me what was happening in my heart. He gave me a moment to recognize I was making a choice. I was choosing whether to feed the plant in my heart that would bring life or to feed the plant taking root in my heart that would bring death. And He does this for all of us every day. The thoughts we ponder and meditate on will grow. Every thought produces results - one way or another.
I'd experienced a most sincere, raw, and honest expression of emotion in my pain. I pointed blame. I wanted to call God to account for what happened in my life, the loss I suffered. I had felt that if God controlled all things and had only the best for us, this could not be what He meant by that. I felt betrayed and forgotten. I felt tricked by all the instructions on prayer, hope, and faithfulness. I felt shattered. I felt the pain and grief in my bones.
This passage in Psalms 42:9-11 expressed my cry. It is honest, and it's raw. It pointed to the enemies of God taunting those who put their faith, trust, hope, and life into God's hands when something awful happens. Sometimes those enemies appear in our own thoughts. This passage shows how authentic a person can be with God in pain.
The things we experience on this earth sometimes throw us into a swirling sinkhole of confusion. I notice something in the Psalms author's statement, "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?". It shows me two things:
I am discouraged, and my heart is deeply sad. (Validated feelings)
God is with me, so why am I still feeling these things? (Acknowledged God)
This is the sticky part. How can God be God, and these dreadful things still occur? How can I experience such excruciating pain and still be alive? Wrapped in these statements is the belief that God is still God. Notice that God is God.
I shook my fist at God. Then remembered, He is God and I am not. He reminded me of His promises of a reunion in Heaven with Him and those who passed before us together one day. He refreshed my aching soul with the encouragement that can only come from the heart of a loving Father and faithful friend.
Sigh.
This isn’t what I wanted. And I have a feeling it’s not what God wanted in His perfect plan either. Regardless, a lot (most) about this life, we won’t understand. I want to eat from the Tree of Life and walk with God in this earth experience accepting that I won’t understand everything, rather than eating from the Tree of the Knowlege of Good and Evil in attempts to make myself “like God” when I’m already made in His image. So, now, I have an open hand toward Him. He has humbled my heart, and I want to reach for His hand when He holds it out to me.
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"O God, my rock," I cry, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?" Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, "Where is this God of yours?" Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!"
Psalms 42:9-11 NLT
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died."
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 NLT
I will open my hand to God
Photo by Akira Hojo on Unsplash