Pride: I Know What’s Best

Prideful Thought :: I'm sad because I knew what was best for us, and that was for Rich to keep living on this earth. 

Truth :: We are all formed by the Father's love. Who are we to question God's character and heart for every single one of us?

Photo by Daniel Leone on Unsplash

Just over one year after my husband passed, I felt in my heart that God wanted to address some pride that was forming out of my pain and grief. Something I think He showed me is the importance of addressing things as quickly as possible. It's harder to change a thought pattern after it's settled deeply over a long period. So early in my widowhood, he brought these things to my attention and gently addressed them with me. I'm grateful.

One thought I easily believed was that I knew what was best for us. And boy, was I stubborn about it. I knew that Rich continuing to live, being miraculously healed, and sharing a testimony-filled ministry together was "the big idea." It was the best idea for us as far as I was concerned. But, when this didn't happen, my life was crushed. My beliefs were shaken - big time. What was best? What was "Biblical" and right? What was established in faith and God's goodness didn't happen. This created a fracture.

I believe that my heart’s desire for what I thought was best was in agreement with God. I believe this desire is pure, and it came from Him. He designed us to live fully, He created us to fight for each other, pray for and encourage one another. That is good. The challenge here is when circumstances don’t match what is good and godly. We live in a kingdom of this world that is deeply damaged. In this world, we will find trouble, hardship, pain, loss, and a lack of understanding. Tragedies, injustices, and profoundly awful things happen on this earth. However, this doesn't negate God. He is our champion. He is the One who will make all things right. It may not happen while we’re on this earth, and we may need to live in that tension.

Sadness in this situation is, of course, appropriate; it is understandable. Sorrow that turns slightly to the right toward anger and a craving for justice; this is also understandable. It is appropriate. The actions that are taken while in this pain-filled state of heart and mind matter. For me to believe and act as though I know better than God is not (ever) appropriate. I am sad, angry and want justice, of course! However, that doesn't mean I know everything there is to know about my situation, life, and future.

And hear me, I know I'm saying something that may hurt. I hated hearing these things when I was early in my loss. They had a sort of zing that reverberated throughout my body and soul. And for you, I pray the Spirit of God ministers to your hurt and pain in the way only He can. Everyone walks through and handles grief and loss uniquely. Your journey is your own, and I believe God will speak to you in the way that you hear Him.

This has been my own journey.

I don't know anything about understanding life and the grand scheme of things. So who am I to say I know exactly what's best for myself and those I love? Who am I to think that everything in my life will go exactly as it should according to living in a perfect world? Who am I to say that I’m the one to exact justice? As much as I desperately wish I did, I don't. Vengence is the Lord’s. He is the one who will correct all of these crooked and broken things. And I’m pretty certain He will do a far better job at it than I ever could.

So today, I surrender. I concede. I don't know all things. But, I will trust the One who does. Yahweh. King of the universe. The One and Only God. He is my safe place. He is trustworthy. When this world shows its brokenness in my personal life, God is with me in the depths. This I know without a doubt. Despite the deep, inexpressible pain, His comfort, His peace is with me and fills my heart. I can't really say how or what He's doing except to say that, today, I am of sound mind. I shouldn't be. By all accounts, my circumstances dictate that I could be lonely, depressed, guilt-ridden, full of anxieties, unable to make any decisions, paralyzed emotionally, and struggling to have healthy, thriving relationships. And yet, here I am of sound mind. My heart is full of gratitude, hope, and genuine desire, and I am thriving in a new season in that Rich would be so proud of me. God has helped me navigate this in a way only He can. And I am forever grateful.

"I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, 'Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, 'Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.' I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance." - Job 42:2-6 NLT

"And yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand." - Isaiah 64:8