Small Steps

Image by Annie Spratt via Unsplash

For every person in this life, we choose to take steps - make decisions. All. Day. Long.

Every one of us faces challenges, hardships, challenges and joys. We choose how to engage with all the things we face whether positive or negative, painful or delightful. And in certain seasons, making choices is much much more difficult.

Grief and loss are definitely one of those seasons.

When early in my grief (within the first six weeks) I had to come back into our home, I realized I needed to make small changes. Moving was not an option. I had to learn how to keep living, sleeping, working and waking up every day in our home, in our bed.

The changes I had to make needed to be incremental and small because I could not handle big changes. I needed the familiar but with it, some visual and mental reminders that I’m not living in the reality I once knew, which was no longer. This is now a completely different universe in which I lived. The one without Rich.

I know it sounds harsh but when I was in my early grief, I knew my mind and emotions would be vulnerable and try to play tricks on me . I might too easily think that he was away for a while and not really forever gone from this earth, which for me meant slowing down my healing.

Not everyone handles grief the same way. In fact, no two individuals handle grief and loss the same way. So for me, I knew I needed to make small changes to remind myself, this is a different life. I decided to begin by moving where I kept some of my clothes. I wasn't ready yet to deal with or process his clothes and knew I eventually would have to, but first, I needed some practice.

I chose to move my socks and other daily quick-reach items to another shelf in my closet. Every time I went to reach for them where they were before, I realized to myself - this is not the life I once knew.

Over time, the habit of going to that prior location lessened. I began creating my own small choices every day to remind myself, I’m growing in grief. After a while, I would do another move or rotation of those items to further remind myself of progress. The wild thing was, every so often I noticed I would go and reach for those things where they were when Rich was alive. That indicated to me that I was hurting and had some deeper healing to walk through. This gave me some space to pause and pray. To ask God to show me where I am mentally and emotionally and then I could bring it all to God in a quiet moment. Even if I didn't ”feel” anything, I knew and gained comfort in knowing God is with me in my healing.

I believe this is a tool God gave me to help me make progress in healing. In the small steps forward while grieving. I'm grateful for this gift because it allows me to still live in the home we have had together all the while, healing in it. This is not something I would have thought possible, but God has given me the courage, strength, and patience with myself every single day to make small choices toward healing.